gayness.

So i have a problem. Every single guy i have fallen for in the last year lives at least 400 miles away. Why? I couldnt tell you. Its dumb. Freakin distance sucks and im sick of hurting all the freakin time. Casper is a black hole, and i cant wait to get out. I hate to be negative and complain, ( i really do...i hate complainers) but i really cant help it right now. I am so sick of this. so gay. There are no boys in casper, and if they are in casper, they are kind of just visiting. I have dated every guy in casper that i have wanted to over the years and there are absolutely none left. I can not wait to move at the end of this summer to rexburg. I am sick of wearing my heart on my sleeve...but its something i was born with. I get hurt way too easily, read into things too much, and feel like the guy im looking for doesnt even exist...and when i find a guy that comes close, he has to live across the freakin universe. I come off as a tough cookie with tons of confidence....but the truth is...i am entirely too sensitive and have the lowest self esteem on the face of the planet. Its weird how everything in my life turns abruptly....like its never a slow gradual turn...its always a sharp turn...one minute my life will be falling apart...the next its completely perfect...then the next its in shards again. I know for a fact that ill have another "sharp turn" for the better but until then it really just sucks. These turns come out of nowhere and i cant wait until my life decides to throw me another good one...because i dont know how much longer i can take these unfortunate events with boys and distance and falling fast and whatnot. Its completely emotionally and physically draining. I am just exhausted all the time and that just makes me breakdown worse than i normally would. gah. life quit being freakin gay. kthanks.

MARCH 2008

Only a couple months have but flown by in 2008, but there has been so many things that have happened this year...so many really great things. I have come to find over the past year or so (given i did it the HARD way) that if i do the things im supposed to do, ex. read my scriptures, attend church, put all my trust and faith in heavenly father, be around the right people etc etc etc.....that life is 100x better. I regret many things i have done in my past...and granted, some of them i could have handled differently...but i have really learned alot about myself and been TRULY converted over the past year. I have been through alot....and now i feel like i am past everything i need to get past and ready to make my own story. This year has been everything i want so far...and i intend to keep it going that way. I got back with my old friends jessica and lacey and they are the best friends anybody could ever ask for. We do absolutely everything together. They are always there for me, whether i am complaining, sick, or rambling on about a HOTT guy....(haha). The thing about these girls is that they are totally different from any close friends i have had before...any "girl" friends i have had in the past were just immature relationships with somebody i had stuff in common with. (with one exception: Katie Hudson is an AMAZING person) I hate to say it, but my friends being LDS is a HUGE factor. They understand everything im going through spiritually and in the gospel. That is something friends from before could never understand. It seems as though we can touch each other however we want, (that sounds bad.....and it isnt...but...kinda...yeah...it is...) say whatever we want, and we have such a huge connection that is uncomparable to any other kind of friendship. It is a huge relief and a total blessing to KNOW that i have found the true friends i have been looking for my entire childhood and adolescence. These are the girls that i will be enjoying my bridal showers with...my wedding with....my baby showers with....my old lady scrapbooking get togethers with....for the rest of my life. What i love most about jess and lace is that the three of us are so completely different from one another. Granted, yes, we do have some of the same qualities, but our appearances, hobbies, and taste in men are so different. Jessica is the bookworm. the BASIC PANTIES. haha it sounds bad but its a good thing. She is extremely intelligent, crazy yet conservative, and has that kind of "backseat-driver-captain-obvious" personality. She says the most irrelevant things at the weirdest time and are funny only because SHE is the one who has said them. i love her to death. lol. Lacey is the flirtacious "temptress" ok not really...but she has curly hair. She is loud in a good way, has athletic talent out the a-hole, and has that "i drive boys wild" sense about her. She knows what she wants, yet seeks other things to see if "it" is fun...but then will realize she has what she wanted all along ;-) Shes the LACEY PANTIES. Me on the otherhand....i am the outspoken, blunt, crazy one who will say anything thats on my mind no matter who is around. I do the stupid yet fun sports like snowboarding...then end up paying it for it years later (like right now...my body feels like its in the shape of a 75 year old woman with scoliosis.) I never know what i want...so i just do everything...or everyone...ok not DO everyone but date around entirely too much. I go through boys like underwear. im otherwise knows as the FUNKY PANTIES. crazy how extremely different we are...but can share something that alot of people look for their entire lives. I cant begin to expound on the feeling i get and the joy i have from being around these girls. I cant wait to embark on these next few years with them growing and living together. I am truly blessed to have them in my life and make sure never to take their friendship for granted. The thing is....i have found the people in my life that truly matter and have every intention of keeping. people from junior high and high school....sorry to say it but most of you really dont matter. the people who i am with matter...people from my past..dont. yes, i have aquaintances and friends from school that i love to talk to and keep in touch with..but jess and lace are the full package. if i were you...i would be totally jealous right now because i have the best friends in the entire universe and you....you dont.

feb.8-16

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