It's been a while!

Wow i cant believe i havent written since july 23rd!!!! So let me fill ya in since then...i basically just had the BEST summer ive ever had!! it was so much fun! i became friends with a few people i never thought i would...they actually became my best friends. I hung out with bj smathers, tyler smathers, colt beddes, brittany bennion, and kaylee beddes constantly. we were always at the lake, or doing something really fun.bonfires, playing slots in church, being dumb, etc. i was so bummed when it was time to go to school. Everyone left! well...except brittany lol. BJ is in provo, colt is moving to st. george, tyler is leaving on his mission soon, kaylee got a track scholarship to UW, mike brummond and mike mcquade left on their missions, and im in salt lake city. Sad day! but it was so good while it lasted...hopefully we can reunite at christmas time :)


So now i am in utah going to school at LDS Business College in salt lake. I love it so far...it has been so much fun so far, and i know it will only get better as the school year goes on and i meet more and more people. Im rooming with sarah smith, a friend from back in casper, and it was a perfect fit haha. we have really meshed...we dont get annoyed of each other and things are just super chill with us, which is good. We have had some good laughs together. School is going good, i am not required to go to all my classes so i just do the homework and turn it in online..which totally rocks. haha i am so far ahead right now. A few weeks before i came here i got a stomach ulcer and it didnt go away until a few days ago. that blew.. but it was good. forced me to eat healthy, but at the same time it was no bueno having my stomach ache constantly.

Ya ya ya...and now ill tell you about the boy :) im still seein Robbie..(i never told you his name in the last blog because i didnt want to jinx it..) He and i havent missed a day of talking to each other since the end of June. Since the first night i talked to him i knew he was going to someone i couldnt go a day without talking to. June through August were a rough three months..I could only talk to him on the phone and i just wanted to see him so badly! Even though we talked everynight for over 3 hours it still just wasnt enough. So in the first few days of august he came to visit me in casper. It was amazing getting to spend time with him! we had so much fun! at the same time it made it harder to survive another month without seeing him. it was like only eating one skittle out of the bag, he and i both agreed. We got a taste, but we wanted more! Well since i moved down here i get to see him a few times a week..which is amazing compared to how i never got to before. He lives about 20minutes away up in farmington so its still a little drive. I get to see him a few times a week but it still doesnt feel like enough! haha...i could honestly spend every second with him and not ever get sick of him. We have so much fun together! Its funny because i have never met anybody who can read me so perfectly..he honestly knows EXACTLY what im thinking all the time just from my face or my tone...ive been successful at hiding certain feelings and thoughts from people over the years...but not him! He reads me like a book..which is a good AND a bad thing. We just mesh really well :) Some of you havent seen any pictures of him, but hes 23 dark blonde hair, 6 feet tall, and the biggest puppy dog eyes youll ever see! He is so cute! Anyways...things are going really great with him. i cant wait to see where it goes.

Other than the excruciating job search, everything is going well :) life is amazing right now and i wouldnt change any part of it. I for sure miss my friends and family back home though. and my dog kelli. i miss her a ton. welp im upto date now! wooo! bye!

updateness.

so its been like a couple months since i updated this. i need to do that more often considering this is like my journal. hmm....so a few months ago i was really down. like reallllly down. my best friend was at school....someone i spend 90% of my time with when home...i had just been cheated on, and i was feeling more depressed than i had in years. I was working as a waitress at Old Chicago and it was ok at the start...i mean, i was making alot of money. It just gets really old serving gluttons their food and being treated like a slave everyday. not to mention the hours were horrible. late nights are no bueno. The atmosphere there was just wasnt what i was looking for. especially when all your co-workers love to curse and talk nasty....words start popping out of your mouth that you never even thought about saying before. So i quit. I applied for a position at the boys and girls club here in casper. The hiring process was sooooo long and crazy. Drug tests, background checks, interviews, etc. But i finally got the job! I have been working there since May and it is an awesome job. Yes, some of the kids make me want to pull my hair out and scream, and yes, the pay is horrible...but its something i know thats worth my time. Its just for the summer anyway right? Its really cool being a part of something bigger than just getting money to pay the bills. Im getting to play with kids...help them...and get paid for it!

Aside from that, this summer has been so fun! My prayers were really answered! i have been hanging out with the best group of friends this summer. I couldnt ask for more. I have become really close with some people i never really thought i would. Its the end of july now, and i leave for school soon. Im so excited! i cant wait to go to salt lake. Im working on a housing situation to live in an apartment with sarah smith and a couple other girls...yay! I am off medication and basically happier than i have been in years! Living rocks! plus lacey gets home this weekend and i cant wait to reunite with my bestie! yay!

So this is the part of the blog where i update on my dating life haha.......oh jeez. So dating has been crazy for me the past year....i havent really found any guys i want to have a relationship with...well...one...but he decided to be a manwhore so that didnt work out. I have dated around a lil bit this summer and its been alot of fun. Nobody i feel completely gaga over though. Until like a couple weeks ago. but we'll see how that works out :-) Well...i wont tell you his name...but i met him..he lives in utah. He is super cute and genuine. I love talking to him more than anyone else. We talk every night for hours...and we never run out of things to say. ever. He makes me laugh so much...and his voice is really hott. (the voice thing was kinda an inside joke) Its the first guy ive really clicked with in a long time. Our personalities just really mesh. its freakin sweet. Plus, he is my type. I have trouble finding my type haha. The way he talks, the activities he likes to do, the way he dresses..its just me :-) Just one more reason to be super stoked to move to utah! i can hang out with him all the time!

So.... life is good. i cant complain. Yeah, ill really miss living with lacey this fall...but who knows. Maybe ill get to room with her later down the college line. i really miss her...and even though she is far away, she'll always be my best friend. I love her soooo much! wow....i made that sound like we are dating. awkward. anyways. haha. bye.

gayness.

So i have a problem. Every single guy i have fallen for in the last year lives at least 400 miles away. Why? I couldnt tell you. Its dumb. Freakin distance sucks and im sick of hurting all the freakin time. Casper is a black hole, and i cant wait to get out. I hate to be negative and complain, ( i really do...i hate complainers) but i really cant help it right now. I am so sick of this. so gay. There are no boys in casper, and if they are in casper, they are kind of just visiting. I have dated every guy in casper that i have wanted to over the years and there are absolutely none left. I can not wait to move at the end of this summer to rexburg. I am sick of wearing my heart on my sleeve...but its something i was born with. I get hurt way too easily, read into things too much, and feel like the guy im looking for doesnt even exist...and when i find a guy that comes close, he has to live across the freakin universe. I come off as a tough cookie with tons of confidence....but the truth is...i am entirely too sensitive and have the lowest self esteem on the face of the planet. Its weird how everything in my life turns abruptly....like its never a slow gradual turn...its always a sharp turn...one minute my life will be falling apart...the next its completely perfect...then the next its in shards again. I know for a fact that ill have another "sharp turn" for the better but until then it really just sucks. These turns come out of nowhere and i cant wait until my life decides to throw me another good one...because i dont know how much longer i can take these unfortunate events with boys and distance and falling fast and whatnot. Its completely emotionally and physically draining. I am just exhausted all the time and that just makes me breakdown worse than i normally would. gah. life quit being freakin gay. kthanks.

MARCH 2008

Only a couple months have but flown by in 2008, but there has been so many things that have happened this year...so many really great things. I have come to find over the past year or so (given i did it the HARD way) that if i do the things im supposed to do, ex. read my scriptures, attend church, put all my trust and faith in heavenly father, be around the right people etc etc etc.....that life is 100x better. I regret many things i have done in my past...and granted, some of them i could have handled differently...but i have really learned alot about myself and been TRULY converted over the past year. I have been through alot....and now i feel like i am past everything i need to get past and ready to make my own story. This year has been everything i want so far...and i intend to keep it going that way. I got back with my old friends jessica and lacey and they are the best friends anybody could ever ask for. We do absolutely everything together. They are always there for me, whether i am complaining, sick, or rambling on about a HOTT guy....(haha). The thing about these girls is that they are totally different from any close friends i have had before...any "girl" friends i have had in the past were just immature relationships with somebody i had stuff in common with. (with one exception: Katie Hudson is an AMAZING person) I hate to say it, but my friends being LDS is a HUGE factor. They understand everything im going through spiritually and in the gospel. That is something friends from before could never understand. It seems as though we can touch each other however we want, (that sounds bad.....and it isnt...but...kinda...yeah...it is...) say whatever we want, and we have such a huge connection that is uncomparable to any other kind of friendship. It is a huge relief and a total blessing to KNOW that i have found the true friends i have been looking for my entire childhood and adolescence. These are the girls that i will be enjoying my bridal showers with...my wedding with....my baby showers with....my old lady scrapbooking get togethers with....for the rest of my life. What i love most about jess and lace is that the three of us are so completely different from one another. Granted, yes, we do have some of the same qualities, but our appearances, hobbies, and taste in men are so different. Jessica is the bookworm. the BASIC PANTIES. haha it sounds bad but its a good thing. She is extremely intelligent, crazy yet conservative, and has that kind of "backseat-driver-captain-obvious" personality. She says the most irrelevant things at the weirdest time and are funny only because SHE is the one who has said them. i love her to death. lol. Lacey is the flirtacious "temptress" ok not really...but she has curly hair. She is loud in a good way, has athletic talent out the a-hole, and has that "i drive boys wild" sense about her. She knows what she wants, yet seeks other things to see if "it" is fun...but then will realize she has what she wanted all along ;-) Shes the LACEY PANTIES. Me on the otherhand....i am the outspoken, blunt, crazy one who will say anything thats on my mind no matter who is around. I do the stupid yet fun sports like snowboarding...then end up paying it for it years later (like right now...my body feels like its in the shape of a 75 year old woman with scoliosis.) I never know what i want...so i just do everything...or everyone...ok not DO everyone but date around entirely too much. I go through boys like underwear. im otherwise knows as the FUNKY PANTIES. crazy how extremely different we are...but can share something that alot of people look for their entire lives. I cant begin to expound on the feeling i get and the joy i have from being around these girls. I cant wait to embark on these next few years with them growing and living together. I am truly blessed to have them in my life and make sure never to take their friendship for granted. The thing is....i have found the people in my life that truly matter and have every intention of keeping. people from junior high and high school....sorry to say it but most of you really dont matter. the people who i am with matter...people from my past..dont. yes, i have aquaintances and friends from school that i love to talk to and keep in touch with..but jess and lace are the full package. if i were you...i would be totally jealous right now because i have the best friends in the entire universe and you....you dont.

feb.8-16

http://amperkins13.blogspot.com

february 8-16, 2008

so im kinda like super excited i can have a journal again. i hate writing my hand cramps. and so i like typing way better because im fast at it no big deal. even tho it is kinda a big deal. anyways. sooooooooooooooooo updateeeeeeeeee ( oh and btw im not going to use grammar...so shove it.)


my two best friends in the world and i took an AMAZING trip to rexburg idaho for the temple dedication and to just get out of casper. casper is full of crackhead meth addicts, drama, and uhmm....whores? yeah...whores. GAY. so anyways we were totally planning this for about 5 or 6 weeks in advance and it was kinda a big deal for lacey to get work off because shes a big hot shot tax return person and has to work like a slave. so she finally gets the time off and its the only weekend she can get off for freakin ever and then we find out the night before we go that the roads were closed. GAY. so we threw a temper tantrum and decided we would see how things went in the morning. Lacey really wanted to see her boyfriend jeff...and jess and i...well we just wanted to meet some boys...haha. i was pretty stoked on that idea since ive gone through all the boys i want in casper...and there are no good ones left. casper is dumb. and i hadnt liked a boy in so long it seemed like. so i was pretty excited to go on some dates and makeout with people. haha.

the next morning we checked the road reports and decided we were going to go even if the pass was closed. so yeah...the pass was closed. the roads were horrible and we ended up getting snowed in in jackson. not to mention my knuckles were sore because i kept hitting them on the ceiling in the car while lace and i rocked out to disney music singing and dancing. oh man....getting stuck in jackson was the best night ever. we stayed at this nasty-A hotel that was only 45 dollars a night...it was seriously like a little cubby hole. a cubby hole with two beds. and a little weirdo bathroom that had hair in the sink. so we got dressed up and wanted to go out somewhere nice for dinner...drove around, got lost.....then all the restaraunts closed so we ended up going to village inn. ahahhaha yay! i am pretty sure it was a rule that you had to be mexican to work there. our waiters name was ignacias. but i asked him if it was ok to call him nacho and he said yes. I then proceeded to ask him if they had milkshakes and he said they didnt have any ice cream. jessica being the gullible gilly that she is was like.... really? NO. jess. hes lying. i said...nacho youre lying. he said yes. im lying. what a prankster that ignacias was. He was a slave to us. he said he liked pretty girls so we took full advantage of that. he was so silly. a nice mexi man tho. thats for sure. then all the sudden we looked up and the ceiling was gone. what? yeah...the ceiling was gone.. all there was was a little wire holding up a chandilier thingy and it seriously looked liek it was going to fall on my face. i said..hey nacho...does this look safe to you? and he said....dont worry we have insurance....and iw as like.....ummmmmmmm my FACE doesnt have insurance nacho.....so can i have some water? he brought out the water and said hey you guys you should talk to your water because its funny....i saw it on tv and you act like youre mad at your water and then you drink it....uhhhhh what? nacho youre crazy. so long story...not short....that was the best night ever. We got our picture taken with him and everything. after village inn...we headed back to our hotel room.... i wont even BEGIN to tell you what went on there that night.......it was total chaos....literally...like you cant even begin to imagine what went on. finally we all settled down and i (with the total insomniac that i am)watched like 5 hours on the spanish channel some soap opera and this other show that was about the equivilent to a jerry springer for mexis.

next day we woke up refreshed and ready to roll but the roads were still closed. GAY. so we had to backtrack all the way to aften and go up through idaho falls to get to rexburg..what was supposed to be an hour from jackson to rexburg suddenly turned into an extra three and a half hours of gayness.

finally we get to rexburg and we meet up with my good buddy will winn and visit with him for a while, meet jeff (laceys bf), and some other people. they were all cool and then i was like hey guys i want to meet a boy so jess called up darrin and he had set me up with his hottest roomate. so i was pretty stoked on that. we meet over at darrins...and i was kinda worried that he was going to hook me up with a weirdo ugly guy....but then here came this gorgeous guy and he was just my type. seriously. i got all shy around him and i am never shy around boys. so on our way to wherever we were going i kinda started to strike up a conversation with him...his name is derek btw...haha....and it started out as a usual awkward conversation...the kind you get when you are first meeting someone. throughout the night he and i became more aquainted with one another and before you knew it we were laughing and joking. then he asked me when the last time i farted was. it was amazing. what?!?! ive never had a guy ask me that before and that was so cool. this kid was just like me! the 4 hours we spent together had felt like i had known him for years. it was so weird i cant even explain to you how it was. i had never had that happen before. he was so forward about everything and that was awesome. by the end of the night we were kissing and cuddling and i never kiss random boys...ever. he said he wanted to see me the next day so i was excited about that. that night i had another date planned in advance so i went to that one. dan and mike were so funny and a hoot to hang out with. if i lived in rexburg i could totally see myself hanging out with them like all the time. they were two way awesome guys. but the whole time i was over at their apartment i couldnt stop thinking about derek. it was weird. and all that night. the next day he and i got together and it was incredible i cant even tell you how much he and i connected. ive never had this happen to me before in my life. its completely irrational and in no way makes sense whatsoever...but it just feels right...and im going to go off of that instinct. i had a breakdown that night....lace and jess could probably tell you all about that....but ill just make it short and tell you that i was feeling things i had never felt before. i thought i was in love once...in fact i was positive...but after that night it was as if everything i was feeling was contridicting everything i had ever felt in my past for jordan. im not saying im in love with derek...yet...but it was just kind of an answer to my prayer...one i had been praying on for a long time. to finally let go of my past and to meet someone better.now he and i talk on the phone all the time and are constantly texting. its great. i honestly cant remember a time ive been happier. weird how when everything in your life seems to be falling apart....it all magically pulls itself back together with different people and different blessings.